LIVING HELL

The state of my life right now, having all the time in the world to relax, is the exact representation of ‘living hell’, the way a nice buttered up croissant is ‘living hell’ for a hypertensive patient, but extremely attractive to a normal person. “Oh! The grass is always greener on the other side.”, is one of the constant lines by almost all motivational speakers and every random person under the sun who claims to understand us. Utter nonsense.

My mind when in a conundrum

To understand my conundrum, let us delve deeper into ‘heaven, hell and living’.

The topography of hell

Hell, Pluto, many are its names but the meaning is the same. When we imagine the darker side, all of us have similar visions, yet different. Landscapes of barren war-ravaged lands, the thick, suffocating, smoky, air all around, still, with no wind whatsoever. No signs of life even in the forms of trees, or some shrubbery. The most important characteristic we classify as hellish is the sky full of a reddish-orange haze, river-like structures of muck and blood interspersed with solid objects like skeletons and other ghoulish objects. Of course, yes, the classic, large metal structures packed with sinners waiting to receive deliverance from their past sins, or that could be just propaganda by the pagans to make their worship more palatable. It can be a cauldron to fry the leeches on the face of the earth to be served as ‘bhajji’, for all we know.

Let us now characterize heaven.

Angels all around, the abundance of beautiful structures, literally an ‘all-you-can-eat’ buffet for the rest of the existence of our blessed soul. White clouds, clear air, nice clothes, company of wise, enamoring men and women. Huge mansions with magically operating amenities, probably some magic for our ‘discretional’ use too, which absolutely does not include the ability to shoot lasers from our eyes and have the whole wide world let our horrible fashion sense slide. Okay, I’d definitely like to have those powers, but that is not what heaven is about. Heaven is about enlightenment, right? Finding the true meaning of life and all. But if one finds the meaning of ‘life’, why would that person need all the ‘heavenly comfort and possessions’ shown in the sales pamphlet of heaven? Isn’t hell all about materialistic possessions?

What about living?

Living, according to my measly earthly 18 years, out of which about only 13 years spent in a relatively non-neanderthal way is the love-child of heaven and hell, entrusted into our hands which prepares our soul for any treatment. And, like every love-child ever, life is, discussed, debated, and preached over by almost all, but paid attention to, by none. People know and talk about it, but none dares to actually take care of it. We all wait, wish, and want for what we cannot have right now, like a shot at heaven or whatever exists after. Do we actually look at what is in our hands right now?

Okay, so now, let us get more personal. How in the whole wide world, does the above epiphany of mine affect me and make my life a living hell?

As a relatively avid reader, I was used to reading the newspaper every morning. As a NEET student, i.e., equivalent to setting up an ICCU bed for your already comatose social life, I was used to getting up and running to the classes while preventing the Avogadro’s number from running away from my brain. As a work-out loather, I was used to sneaking away or make excuses for skipping yoga classes.

But not anymore, the coronavirus happened.

A nation-wide lockdown was just announced when I had just completed my board exams and was resuming my NEET preparation. “Oh! Joy!”, is what I thought when I contemplated the idea of a commute-free, stress-free, staying in the house with our lovable family spending quality time with them, most important of all, attending lectures while lounging on the bed, sofa, or even while doing the hula dance, if I wished.

When Spidey himself was fooled

Sounds heavenly, doesn’t it? Again, this is where the cosmic love-child named life fooled me.

The first morning of lockdown, all of us were like soldiers going for a war, highly charged. It was that day when a lot of revelations happened. I got to know that dishes and spoons actually exist in our homes and I could stop eating farsan like cavepeople, i.e., scooping your hand, pouring a little amount of it in your hand and putting all in your mouth all while saying, “Oh, I’m not actually hungry.” And repeat this about twenty times a day. The second revelation that day was that we actually have people living around us. Sounds strange, huh! Well after a charged evening I realized, No newspaper from tomorrow! And that was my breaking point. When everything started to go to literal hell for me.

The next few weeks were full of discussions about the contents of the air around. Humans do not like vacuum and emptiness, even in the air, which was caused by all the reduced pollution. We needed to fill that gap. Hence, the news channels, fired away in every household talking about the ‘Covidiots’ filling the coronavirus in the air while the same household watching it filled the air with palpable tension every time someone sneezed.

New toddlers prancing around the digital world

As each month of the corona-era passed with the speed of light, the familial tensions in each house increased. Parents of the real world, now converted into the toddlers of the virtual world, we're playing with a new concept in the market, “Work from home”. While all the smarty pants teenagers were patiently guiding their newfound wards in the treacherous digital world. The importance of video calling your long distance loved ones became so important all of a sudden when we realized, now we don’t have the ability go and meet them, but if it were possible, we would still not go.

This is what happens when we lose all the opportunities to plan for our ‘heavenly future’ and avoiding ‘hellish results’ and are forced to deal with, and protect their love-child.

A regular day in home-arrest was filled with commotion of corporate meetings and conferences mixed with the dulcet sounds of the physics teacher going on and on about the fission of atoms to create energy all while the cooker periodically whistled indicating that it is time for meals. The go-to question for ice-breaking any conversation had changed from, “How is the weather?” to “How is the good old ‘Rona doing in your place?”.

Newfound ice-breaking in COVID-19 times

This apocalyptic situation, probably ripped from the script of a soap opera, reached its climax when the NEET exam was delayed, not once, but twice due to the army of viruses parading around. For me, this was when the ‘love-child’ actually started teething and bit at anything and everything it could lay its hands on. The will to prepare for NEET went from ‘herculean’ to ‘whatever man, life is a lie.’ Reading and re-reading the same books, solving and re-solving the same sums, attending lectures while sitting on your table trying to make sense of the sudden shift in the interaction pattern and of course, the unending ‘Wi-Fi issues’.

While many addicts all around the world had successfully given up their poison, I had taken one up, caffeine. Attending lectures, sure, here is one cuppa tea. Feel sleepy while studying, fix it with a mug of coffee. Feel like your life is going to hell, here is a taste from heaven, hot cocoa. The amount of caffeine I took was directly proportional to the progress of the ‘love-child’ in the successful demolition of all the hopes and aspirations. But, as a woke guardian to the ‘love-child’, I realized I can’t let it go haywire. So, I began the 12-step program that made me come down to one cup of caffeine each day. Like every addiction, I replaced caffeine with a more sustainable activity, cribbing before working out

The heart wants what it wants

After my NEET exam got over, finally, I had run out of excuses to ditch exercise. I had all the time in the world and nowhere to go. That made me do yoga every other day and team it up with evening walks. The evening walks had become a novelty, as the dear old ‘Rona left its footprint in our society. The previous factors for the nosy, peering-down-the-balcony people, to judge me, changed from the coverage my skirt provided to my legs to the coverage my mask provided to my face. The walks became an educational experience where we looked at each other like zoo-exhibits. It educated us that no matter the social standing of a person, everyone had their mouths shut and covered by a single virus measuring in nanometres.

Also, my previously comatose social life came to consciousness. Like a vampire climbing out of the coffin, my social life looked around for nightly activity. And it stumbled upon something called virtual parties, one of its kind parties, where you can wear a sequined top along with comfortable sweats because only the upper half of you is visible. My post-NEET vacuum was filled by a bunch of amazing friends from all over the state, as we convened to discuss the papers before and later on, our abysmal state of mind where we make up a stupid ship-name and laugh like mad-people. (If the aforementioned people are reading this, shout out to DA/*)

Or, you shall become an immortal DA/* meme

I have realized the greatness of reverse psychology on humans and the ‘love-child’ that we guard. If we are told that we cannot do a thing, we would go to the depths of the darker parent to search for an instant solution or pray to the good parent to salvage the ‘love-child’, but we would absolutely do it.

“Wear you masks above your nose!” But I can’t breathe!

“Do not travel, if not necessary.” Oh, come on, I was going to take that goa vacation to ‘find myself’.

“Wash your hands as frequently as possible.” Sorry, my manicure will get destroyed.

“Follow social distancing.” But they are my friends!

A specimen of the species of ‘Covidiots’

These responses are leading us to destroying the quest we have been entrusted with i.e. to protect the heaven-hell mixture we call life. Right now, as I voice my feelings regarding my life, I see the good qualities of the ‘living hell’ I am experiencing.

Oh, it is ‘living hell’ all right, full of pain, angst, heartbreak. Yes, I do get irritated when a rickshaw driver refuses to drive me to vile parle or rather refused to drive me to vile parle. But at the same time, I feel happy after seeing a mother taking care of her child on the train. I get irritated by the incessant rains causing me to consciously close my windows to prevent my handwritten notes from getting wet, but I feel divine after I smell the ‘first rain smell of the soil’ (Honestly, someone should bottle that smell).

Self-love is the best way to handle our mischievous ward

This ongoing once-in-a-lifetime experience is teaching us a lot of lessons. Like, never take people we love for granted. Never procrastinate on an activity, we may not get to do it later. Fall in love with ourselves and take up challenges and better ourselves. Learn basic cooking to survive. And most important skills of all, let us learn to forgive ourselves, seek help if needed and know that sometimes, things are not in our control and instead of frustrating and moping around, let us learn to find a way around such problems (also how to work around 3 AM existential crisis’s). Let us all try to be good ‘guardians’ to our ‘wards’ called life. Let us all keep hope and patience to survive this ‘Living hell’.

See you on the other side of Jumanji, if possible, before that,

Love,

Tanvi